Just once I wished I could say that I’ve been going to the gym for years, and hear, ‘I can tell’, instead of ‘I would never have guessed’, followed by a dubious look, and muffled giggles.
- Happy New Year! Allow me to jump right in. Using a gym is doing damage to your body. It is a different kind of damage to the internal kind, involving foods from the crunchy and crispy food spectrums. GYM damage is damage to mitigate the ungodly intestinal havoc you created when you emptied those Milk Trays down your gullet over the holidays. (in addition to a myriad of fermented beverages, you naughty so-and-so) Gym damage is accompanied by pain. As men, we do TRY to stoically tamp down the need to howl and rail against any unpleasant sensations, be it root canals, or a skinny latte when we asked for half-and-half. The gym, however, is not a free zone, where you may release all manner of cacophonous vocalizing while doing a set of dumbbell curls. Even IF you are angry with your parents or spouse. Do NOT bellow and grunt like a farm animal in labour. Save it for the professionals (i.e. tennis players and the like).
2. Why would you even consider such a flagrant invasion of privacy? Wade past the advertisements, click-bait, the video of that kitten that fell out of a car on the freeway, a morass of notifications, and you will actually find useful information online. In the gym, watch but don’t stare, if you must. Any gym employee worth his salt should be able to help you out.
3. NEVER rest for more than a minute on a bench. Staff will assume the worst and approach with the defibrillator. Embarrassing for all concerned. Likewise, do not sit on an apparatus scrolling through your feeds on your smart phone. This is known as being an #$%@!! Save it for behind the wheel. (BUMPER STICKER: How’s my texting)
4. Know your limits. DO NOT overextend yourself. Ask for a spot. And also GIVE spots. This is known as manly discourse. Be gruff , mutter a lot, throw some curt nods.
5. The gym is no place to practice your newly found, super-cool, hardcore movements. Do them at home and have your kids record you.
6. Trust me. Do NOT bring this beverage into a gym. Is an explanation even necessary?
7. And we come to the final DON’T. As in, DON’T LEAVE A MESSY STATION. In most other areas of my life, including my laptop desktop, chaos rules supreme. If I devoted as much effort in keeping the gym tidy as I did in keeping the house clean, well, marital harmony would ensue. As a parent, I am long inured to putting things away for safety reasons (not quickly enough, according to my better half), and the same principles apply at the gym, where the potential for grievous bodily harm are amped up.
Bonus content: Here is how to dress, for acceptability in the gym. My work here is done.Thanks for checking in, and I’ll see you at the gym, though my pass has expired, and there are a few series I need to catch up on . . .