Posted in cartoons, exercise, fitness

7 Things Never to do in a Gym

 

Just once I wished I could say that I’ve been going to the gym for years, and hear, ‘I can tell’, instead of  ‘I would never have guessed’, followed by a dubious look, and muffled giggles.

 

 

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  1. Happy New Year! Allow me to jump right in. Using a gym is doing damage to your body.  It is a different kind of damage to the internal kind, involving foods from the crunchy and crispy food spectrums. GYM damage is damage to mitigate the ungodly intestinal havoc you created when you emptied those Milk Trays down your gullet over the holidays. (in addition to a myriad of fermented beverages, you naughty so-and-so) Gym damage is accompanied by pain. As men, we do TRY to stoically tamp down the need to howl and rail against any unpleasant sensations, be it root canals, or a skinny latte when we asked for half-and-half. The gym, however, is not a free zone, where you may release all manner of cacophonous vocalizing while doing a set of dumbbell curls. Even IF you are angry with your parents or spouse. Do NOT bellow and grunt like a farm animal in labour. Save it for the professionals (i.e. tennis players and the like).

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2. Why would you even consider such a flagrant invasion of privacy? Wade past the advertisements, click-bait, the video of that kitten that fell out of a car on the freeway, a morass of notifications, and you will actually find useful information online. In the gym, watch but don’t stare, if you must. Any gym employee worth his salt should be able to help you out.


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3. NEVER rest for more than a minute on a bench. Staff will assume the worst and approach with the defibrillator. Embarrassing for all concerned. Likewise, do not sit on an apparatus scrolling through your feeds on your smart phone. This is known as being an #$%@!! Save it for behind the wheel. (BUMPER STICKER: How’s my texting)


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4. Know your limits. DO NOT overextend yourself. Ask for a spot. And also GIVE spots. This is known as manly discourse. Be gruff , mutter a lot, throw some curt nods.


 

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5. The gym is no place to practice your newly found, super-cool, hardcore movements. Do them at home and have your kids record you.


 

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6. Trust me. Do NOT bring this beverage into a gym. Is an explanation even necessary?


 

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7. And we come to the final DON’T. As in, DON’T LEAVE A MESSY STATION. In most other areas of my life, including my laptop desktop, chaos rules supreme. If I devoted as much effort in keeping the gym tidy as I did in keeping the house clean, well, marital harmony would ensue. As a parent, I am long inured to putting things away for safety reasons (not quickly enough, according to my better half), and the same principles apply at the gym, where the potential for grievous bodily harm are amped up.

 


Bonus content: Here is how to dress, for acceptability in the gym. My work here is done.Thanks for checking in, and I’ll see you at the gym, though my pass has expired, and there are a few series I need to catch up on . . .

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Posted in fitness, humor

GYM PET PEEVES

 

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Pet peeves (I know, most of these could be solved through compassion and tranquilizer darts)

  1. people signing up for multiple machines, otherwise known as the shotgun approach, or, more popularly, being an asshole.
  2. people who don’t put the weights away. Then I have to help the elderly schlep the 45 lb donuts.
  3. people who wear inappropriate footwear (Crocs, flip flops, Hunter boots et al)
  4. people who engage in idle chit chat. Then sit on a bench and engage in same on phone.
  5. Man, why do I even GO to the gym? Oh yeah, to stay fit.
  6. people who break up their sets and go all over the gym and get pissed if you change their weights.
  7. people who make sardonic comments on the gym mirrors (ie: now I can check to see if I’m a vampire, cue fake laughter)
  8. people who don’t really know how to spot, and just stand there with the first two numbers of 911 pressed on their phone.
  9. people who slam their weights, or drop them to the floor because they’re angry at their parents/partner/boss.
  10. couples who work out together, which is fine, in and of itself. But can we do without the displays of affection brought on by the inevitable randiness that lifting heavy objects inspires? Is it any wonder why warehouses are hotbeds of passion?
  11. Guys who steal weights from my bench press and adds to the squat rack. You know who you are, Mr. too busy to wear gym clothes, I’ll just wear my Carhartts, stinky reflective shirt, and steel toed boots. I know, quite the long name.
  12. Guys and ladies who fail to wipe the equipment of their DNA. Inhale the musk.
  13. Guys who like to ‘throw their dick on the table’ and do incredible sets without a spotter and must be rescued from under a pile of gym equipment. Strangled bleating is my cue.maxresdefault.jpg

Any others? Feel free to post.

Posted in fitness, music

Gym Tunes

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Okay, apropos of nothing, Here’s a list of music I like to listen to when I am working out, either weight training, or running. I am doing a bit less of that since my stupid foot is sending messages to my brain, such as: I’ve had enough of this running lark, throw both of us under a table and get some Stella down your neck mate. Quite sure I don’t know why my foot would have an English accent. This music is motivating, or otherwise puts my head in a proper state by gently punching it, like an old lady at the grocery store does when she sees if the mangos are ripe. As I always say, if I can turn one person onto some of this music, than I’ve done a shite job.

In no particular order:

Protomartyr / The Agent Intellect

Dinosaur Jr. / Give a Glimpse of What Yer Not

Charlatans / Modern Nature

Radiohead / Moon Shaped Pool

Vaccines / English Graffiti

Built To Spill / Untethered Moon

Grimes / Art Angels

Teleman / Brilliant Sanity

Paul Weller / Saturns Pattern

Sleater Kinney / No Cities To Love

Beck / Morning Phase (for the cooldown haha)

Speedy Ortiz / Major Arcana

Foals / What Went Down

Blur / The Magic Whip

Alvvays / Alvvays

any Ty Segall

You’re welcome.