Posted in humor, life, Vancouver, weather, Wilt's Blog to the World

Take our Vancouver weather. Please!

This week’s irritation is the neverending inclement (Vancouver) weather. Ah, you say, but at least you get the change in seasons. Yes, raining with warm temps in summer, raining with recurring crap on TV in fall, raining with good chances of slipping and snapping a vertabrae in winter, raining with college grads looking for nonexistent jobs in spring. If these are the changes that are so coveted, you can have them. With my blessings, though I am not an ordained minister. We’ll take your year-round balmy weather anytime.

Ha! I’d take some Minnesota weather: weather where there is an outside chance you may die is good. For character, or whatever. But this monochromatic palette with little chance of anything happening except getting wet, uncomfortable, and smelling like that fetid canvas tent of your childhood. Or, if you plan to see the Olympics on the cheap, the smell of your current home.

Indoor activities? I am almost at the point of buying those purple properties in Monopoly, if only to prolong the game. And actually working out 10% of my assets, instead of paying $200 for tax. I have played so many hands of solitaire that I break out in a rash whenever I have to play cards with more than one person. I have spread Nutella on almost everything but drink coasters for a snack. There are so many used teabags in my sink that it looks like, well, a sinkful of used teabags – something that I am sure looking at takes years off your life.

I have taken to staring at my bright livingroom lamp in an attempt to minimize the seasonal disorder thing. All I can think of is how much better it looked in the Ikea showroom. All curtains are, of course, drawn, because who wants to see that high-pitched-whine-TV-test-pattern weather? I am not at the point where I read that fine print that flashes on the screen during car commercials. But getting close. Real close.

Screaming into a pillow in Vancouver.

Posted in humor, Vancouver, weather

Vancouver Weather

Why should only tropical storms, tornadoes, hurricanes have names? And doesn’t GIVING them names personalize them, make them more approachable? The prospect of death or impaling by large slivers from telephone poles does not make me want to reach out and embrace these weather abominations. Isn’t that the point?

Take our Vancouver weather. Please. Our weather is a leaden, featureless sky from which varying amounts of water falls, and at many angles, depending on wind speed. These nameless, impersonal weather systems parade through, leaving sullen faces and bowls of hot soup in their wake.

Now, get your head around this: A warm front, named Richard, is creeping towards the coast. The front will be dumping large amounts of stinging rain on our heads, but because it is named Richard, we won’t feel so bad about it! And it will be followed closely by an even more volatile system named Jeff. Jeff has been floating off the Hawaiian Islands picking up lots of evaporated warm water, all set to shower it upon us in three days time, along with thunderstorms. That Jeff!

See? Our formerly drab, featureless weather now has character. No longer will one day blur into another. Instead, conversations will go like this:

Guy: Hey how about that barbeque we had last year, that was interrupted by Brian, that system of icy rain?

Other Guy: Yeah, I remember. It was even worse than when cold front Justin ruined Stacy and I’s wedding.

Guy: Normally, I’d be so pissed off about this, but somehow it doesn’t bother me as much.

Other Guy: Me too. Instead, I feel this warm sort of feeling.

Guy: Snap.


Vancouver, where there are innumerable opportunities to christen this rain, that goes by many names, none of them printable on this blog.