Posted in crime

How Was Your Criminal Experience Today?

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Surely criminals want to hone their skills, make it as less stressful an experience as is possible? Most robbers want to rob in the same manner I like to shop. In and out, with a minimum of yelling. The feedback provided would make a robbery an almost pleasurable experience, one that could be recounted fondly to children and grandchildren. After all, the money is insured, it is merely been transferred in an unorthodox manner.

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I have worked as a bank security guard. (for my sins) This was work that I initially found very unengaging and, well, soul-destroying. Things went downhill after that. My back ached, as I longed to sit; I prayed for a robbery so that I could at least stretch my legs a bit. 12 hour shifts were the norm; a superhuman effort was required to stay vigilant and alert. I am proud to say that zero robberies occurred on my watch, though white collar crimes possibly ran unabated (embezzling, cooking the books, stealing of pens and Post-it note pads).

The most ‘professional’ robberies are ones that occur with little to no fanfare. There is no indication that anything untoward is occurring. There is no brazen waving of artillery and large sacks with the word ‘swag’ written on the outside. Everything is done by implication, weapons may not even be displayed. The overarching philosophy is, ‘Look, none of us want to be here. You in your ill-fitting suit, me in my balaclava that itches something fierce. Let us just get through this so we can be reunited with our loved ones.’